BMW: 50 years of fast

I remember the first real M car I ever clapped eyes on was an E24 M635CSi. A cooking 635 was already unfathomably exotic, but one peek under the bonnet of this made me understand why all the the articles I’d read left road testers dribbling hyperbole. Then I drove an E30 M3 in my youth and managed to overlook the average performance because of the way it drove, and the way it looked. And what it represented. Because M cars are always special. We argue about which is best and what makes an M car and all that nonsense – but I’ve never driven a deliberately badged M machine that didn’t feel like it was a step apart from a normal BMW; which we must never forget is often a…

50 X5 M COMP (F95) 2020–present Cost now: £118,920 GOOD You get 616bhp from a 4.4 turbo V8, 0–62mph in 3.8secs BAD Stretches the core values of the M brand a long way. Too far? A tall SUV that still provides about as much driving amusement as it’s possible to get from an SUV. In the latest Competition iteration, it’s a ballistic block of flats with 616bhp and 553lb ft. There’s 0–62mph in under four, and a 190mph top speed, for 60k-ish less than other big hitters like the Urus or Bentayga Speed. Is it a ‘true’ M car? Possibly not, but it just goes to show the elasticity of the marque’s engineering talent. 49 M8 CONV (F91) 2019–present Cost now: £144,020 GOOD Fabric-roofed boulevardier with same 4.4 V8 as Coupe and…

An M3 Touring. At last. How long have we been pestering BMW M to give us this? So long that the overwhelming feeling is one of relief. But doesn’t the timing feel right? Not to mention the package. Let’s start there, with 500 litres at one end and 503bhp at the other. Both are good numbers. We probably find it easier to contextualise the latter, so let’s have a closer look at the former first. It’s unchanged from the regular 3-Series Touring. No reduction to make way for a bigger exhaust back box, 4WD or redesigned suspension, and it’s just as feature packed. There’s underfloor storage, hooks, magnetic rails to hold kit in place and the opening rear window. Fold the seats and you’ve got 1,500 litres. Unsurprisingly it’s almost…

BMW knows how to be a troll. Denies us an M3 Touring for decades then gets round to delivering it once the M3 has a face like a war wound. Resurrects the CSL badge for a sports coupe that weighs 1.6 tonnes. And its self-administered 50th birthday present for the M Division – only the second car in M’s history to be a bespoke M-only model after the M1 supercar – is a multi-tonne plug-in hybrid SUV with “class-leading rear legroom for China”, one of its engineers notes excitedly. The XM is a fusion of BMW’s two money printing initials, X for SUVs and M for fast stuff. As such, it’s the mightiest BMW ever: a 634bhp V8-plus-volts powerhouse atop 22in wheels. “The sweet spot,” says Jens Leopoldsberger, who’s in…

Gates open, shutters slide up. We drive into the gloom. The gates close behind us, shutters drop. There’s a pause. We’re in an airlock, more gates and shutters ahead. Sitting in the car, there’s palpable tension. Gates open, shutters slide up. Then we drive into paradise. Provided your version of paradise is a cavernous, echoing warehouse filled with endless BMW M models. Well, I assume that’s what lurks here, because aside from half a dozen M2 CS racers and a handful of semi-disguised prototypes, everything else is hidden under covers. This, though, is where BMW M keeps its crown jewels: the one-offs, the specials, the first and last, the icons, the history makers. M refers to it as its “Treasure Hall” and they’re all here, dozens and dozens of them,…

“THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE THE MOST UNCOMPROMISING M5 EVER. AND INTENSIFY IT” I know what you’re thinking. It looks like a Ring Taxi. Maybe that was the intention, the perfect disguise for a protoype as it pounded around the Nürburgring. Harry, who runs this facility, reckons the livery was added later. The E61 M5 was the most hardcore regular M5 there has been. I always think M5s go in waves. You get a relatively soft-centred one (the E39 V8), then this car went the other way. The one after, the F10, was a bit podgy. The hunt for a sweet spot perhaps. But what matters here is that they were going to take the most uncompromising M5 there had ever been. And intensify it. The standard car, famously, came…